A 21st Birthday Letter to Myself

February 1992, Wavell Heights, Brisbane.

Dear Leanne on your twenty-first birthday,

It is now 2020 and I’ve made you a 1992 playlist* as a gift. Music is the key to remember you — a spirited, willing young woman gripped by fear, anxiety, lacking in self-worth.

Childhood psychological, physical and emotional abuse is why trauma is locked in your body, but you do not know that yet. I want you to know, as a fierce, beautiful, powerful young woman, you are worthy of love, respect, happiness and dignity in intimate relationships. Pump up the volume…

“Let’s Talk About Sex” Salt-N-Pepa

Stop using sex to numb emotional pain and trauma. Don’t lose your sense of self in pursuit of, or fawning for, others. Sex is an extension of your own physical need, and desire for touch and intimacy. Value lovers who listen to you. I encourage you to identify your preferences and desires. There is absolutely no need to acquiesce or suffer poor sex in silence — empower yourself to express what you need, want and desire. Talk and communicate clearly with all potential lovers. Build trust. Love and sex without TRUST is not healthy love or sex. Use condoms and lubricant.

“Come as You Are” Nirvana

Don’t be gripped by FEAR. Don’t seek SAFETY in the arms, and beds, of others — come as you. Love and care for yourself first always. Be fully present in your own self-worth and do not shelve, ignore or obliterate yourself with drugs and alcohol and pursue lovers to numb the pain inside.

“Alive” Pearl Jam

When difficult relationships feel comfortable it does not always mean they are healthy relationships. Your psyche is assuming that emotional abuse is ‘normal and natural’ — it is neither. Please feel epically alive in your young body. Know that the essence of who you are is not found in others but always within yourself. The ‘man-boys’ around you are strong, handsome, creative and courageous. Relish and respect them. You do not need them to rescue you — you can be a pillar of strength, and independent of them, whilst having hot sex and a whole lot of fun.

“Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” Sophie B. Hawkins

Explore ALL the lovers and sexual experiences that cross your path. There is no need to move in and play house with your boyfriend, you are only (unconsciously) feeling vulnerable and seeking safety. Take the time to understand what it is to live with and love yourself. Take care of your own needs. Set boundaries! Boundaries that serve your needs in the bedroom, and in relationships more broadly, are healthy.

“These Are Days” 10,000 Maniacs

Pay attention when a lover holds space for you and allows you to simply be yourself and wanting nothing more from you in that moment. Every part of your body is beautiful, precious, strong, soft and capable of giving and receiving love and pleasure.

“Ordinary Angels” Frente

Take responsibility for your happiness and desires — don’t wait for the approval and/or acceptance of others. You have a right to feel safe, heard and respected. You are not what happened to you, you are what you choose to be, today on your 21st birthday and every single day. Smile.

“One” U2

Focus on the joy, peace and love found in the present moment. Be in the now of intimacy, sexual desire, touch, union and climax. Seek to understand what self-love and compassion look, sound and feel like during the most intimate of human sexual expression — making love.

Finally, nurture yourself always but know you don’t always have to do it on your own.

With Love,

Leanne (yourself 28 years down the river of life)

*it is called music streaming on the ‘internet’. Unimaginable I know when piles of scratched CDs, out of their non-biodegradable plastic cases, are used to manually “DJ”. I know you laboured over making mixed audio cassettes to play at the 21st Birthday party so no-one would interfere with the perfect soundtrack!

**********************************

I was asked to write a letter to my 21-year old self for inclusion in the forthcoming book compilation Postcards From Tomorrow — a fundraising project for the twenty-first birthday of Lou’s Place, the only daytime refuge in Sydney (Australia) for female victims of domestic violence.

• In Australia an average of one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner; and almost 40% of women continued to experience violence from their partner while temporarily separated.

• One in three women in New Zealand experience physical and/or sexual violence from a partner in their lifetime.

• Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriend and studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.

• Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.